


Crap

by AThousandWishes



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 11:47:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23711005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AThousandWishes/pseuds/AThousandWishes
Summary: Young teen Dick Grayson and his buddies Wally West and Roy Harper get into a bit of trouble.
Kudos: 15





	Crap

Crap  
1/1  
  
It was an odd scene. Scratches, debris, and deep dents dulled the  
usually spotless and gleaming halls of the JLA Watchtower. The  
communications room lay in shambles with computers smashed into piles   
of chaotic mess. Even the cozy living quarters for the world's  
greatest superheroes appeared to have been struck by a small  
tornado. But the worst was the overwhelming aroma of…cow poop?  
  
"Explain."  
  
Robin, Kid Flash, and Speedy involuntarily jumped at the cold  
command. Years of experience told Robin that Batman was in no mood  
to hear the truth. But the Boy Wonder also knew better than to lie  
to his mentor. So he clamped his mouth shut and concentrated on  
becoming an invisible mute.  
  
Of course Speedy, who had never been the brightest crayon in the  
pack, opened his mouth and spat out angrily, "I ain't gotta explain  
nothin' to you!"  
  
"Roy!" Robin hissed. Then the Boy Wonder remembered his vow of  
silence and dropped his head again.  
  
Feeling the need to ease the tension, Kid Flash innocently asked, "Um…  
I think I need my lawyer…or maybe my one phone call…" When Batman's  
eyes narrowed at him, Wally quickly added, "Please?"  
  
"No, Wally. You don't get a lawyer." Flash gave his nephew a  
disapproving frown. "You have the chance to represent yourself,  
right here and now. What happened?"  
  
"Aw, Uncle Barry, it was just an accident. That's all. We didn't  
mean nothing by it." Wally spread his arms in an apologetic  
shrug. "Hey, we'll help clean it up."  
  
"Speak for yourself!" Roy countered, glaring angrily at his  
teammate. "It wasn't my fault!"  
  
"Roy, use your head instead of that big mouth for once," Oliver Queen  
said in irritation. The Green Arrow walked over and placed a hand on  
his young charge's shoulder. "You're all in deep…" Looking over at  
Batman, Ollie cleaned up his comment. "…doo-doo, son. It's time to  
come clean."  
  
Groaning at the poor attempt of a pun, Robin stared down at his  
stained uniform. Alfred was not going to be happy with him.  
Suddenly, a large hand pushed his head up gently. "Chum, I believe  
we're all waiting for an explanation."  
  
Robin nervously glanced around the room at the distinguished JLA  
members. Superman, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman waited patiently as  
Batman, Flash, and Green Arrow dealt with the problem at hand. The  
Boy Wonder swallowed hard. "We were…"  
  
"Doing our homework!" Wally interjected.  
  
"Whatever," Roy muttered.  
  
After giving his teammates a warning glare, Robin continued, "We  
decided to take a break. So we went into the kitchen and started…  
well, you know…looking for something to snack on."  
  
"You guys seriously need to stock up on munchies in there. Those  
cabinets didn't have enough in `em to sustain an ant!" Wally shook  
his head mournfully. "Not even one little Debbie snack cake."  
  
Robin nodded his head in agreement. "We really couldn't find  
anything we wanted to eat at the time…except for some old peanut  
butter crackers that were stale. So we were just sitting around the  
kitchen with the crackers talking and wishing…"  
  
*************  
  
"Man, what I wouldn't give for one of those nutty bars! Those are  
the best with that peanut butter cookie covered in chocolate." Wally  
closed his eyes and licked his lips. "I can almost taste `em!"  
  
"You're so pathetic, Fleet feet," Roy sneered. "Besides, everyone  
knows that the brownies are the best Little Debbie's around!"  
  
Wally turned to Dick and asked, "So what's your favorite snack cake?"  
  
"I don't really have one," Dick confessed. "I'm not really allowed  
to eat a lot of junk food."  
  
"What?" Wally's expression turned to horror. "Wh-what do you mean?  
Not allowed? What the heck do you eat?"  
  
Shrugging, Dick answered, "If I want a snack, Alfred always has lots  
of fruit in the fridge."  
  
"Fruit?" Roy shook his head. "See, that's just wrong. The Bat  
won't even let you eat the good stuff."  
  
"Bruce isn't the one in charge of my meals. That's Alfred," Dick  
defended. "But it's really not so bad. I get to eat junk food and  
stuff, too. Just not so often." Laughing, he added, "Bet you guys  
didn't know Alfred can make a mean bowl of pudding!"  
  
"Pudding!" Wally looked as if he were about to faint.  
  
"Yeah, it's really great stuff. But what's strange is my favorite  
snack food really is a fruit." At his friends' disbelieving stares,  
Dick nodded intensely. "Yep, watermelon!"  
  
"Watermelon!" At this, Wally grabbed his stomach and doubled  
over. "I can't take it anymore! I've got to refuel or I'm going to  
starve to death!"  
  
"Watermelon, huh?" Roy's mouth turned into a mischievous grin. "I  
know where we can get some watermelon."  
  
Wally bounced up, ready to go. "You do? Where?"  
  
Dick was a bit more suspicious as he asked, "Yeah, where?"  
  
"This farm right outside of Gotham…got a whole field of `em ready for  
the picking."  
  
"But that would be stealing," Dick pointed out.  
  
"Not if the farmer is generous enough to give `em away." Roy winked  
at Wally, encouraging his eager teammate.  
  
"Let's go! We can teleport to the Batcave and…" Wally started.  
  
"Whoa! Hold on there, buddy!" Dick held his hands up. "We were  
told to stay here and do our homework while we monitor the emergency  
bands. The League left us in charge, so they could all go and help  
with the earthquake victims in Mexico. We can't just leave the  
Watchtower to go watermelon hunting. Plus, I can't take the  
Batmobile out without permission."  
  
"Which you won't ever get, Boy doofus!" Shaking his head, Roy  
said, "Like Bats would ever know! He's busy right now. There's  
nothing going on…and even if something did go wrong, the Watchtower   
computer contacts all the JLA members anyways. So what's the big  
deal if we step out for an hour? What could happen?"  
  
"Yeah, Robbie? What could happen?" Wally threw his arm around  
Dick's shoulders. "Hey I know how to solve this problem! If we used  
the new handheld teleport system, we could be back in a snap! Just  
punch in the farm's coordinates, grab the melon, and teleport back  
here."  
  
"I don't know," Dick said slowly.  
  
"Oh come on, Robbie! Live on the edge for once!" Roy punched the  
Boy Wonder's arm lightly. "No big deal…"  
  
************  
  
"No big deal?!?" Robin shouted over the roar of a rifle. "Roy, I  
thought you said the farmer was okay with giving the watermelons  
away!"  
  
All three boys were crouched in a ditch, just ten yards from the  
farmhouse porch where the farmer stood ranting and raving into the  
dark. Wally reverently cradled a small watermelon in his lap.  
Robin's hands were tightly clasped on his head for meager  
protection. Roy merely leaned back against the grassy slope without  
a care in the world. "Well, he usually doesn't mind…that is in the  
daylight and to someone he knows."  
  
"Roy! You drug us out here and had us steal a watermelon!" Robin  
shouted incredulously.  
  
"No, Robbie. You're looking at it all wrong!" Sighing, Roy tried to  
explain. "See, that watermelon was destined to be scavenged by a  
raccoon. So we just saved that farmer from losing part of his crop  
to nighttime varmints."  
  
"You just made us into the nighttime varmints, Speedy!" Robin's  
voice growled in great imitation of his mentor.  
  
"So what are we going to do?" Wally asked, still stroking the melon  
gently.  
  
"We're going to give it back. Roy, you take the watermelon and  
apologize to the farmer," Robin ordered.  
  
"No way! That crazy fool's gonna blow my head off!"  
  
"Okay, well then Wally will take it back," Robin said, turning to  
look at his best friend.  
  
"But…but I wanna keep it!" Wally protectively hugged the melon close  
to his chest.  
  
Robin rolled his eyes and grabbed the melon. "Fine, I'll go." The  
Boy Wonder slowly stood up in the ditch and held up the  
watermelon. "Um…Mr. Farmer…we're sorry for the misunder…"  
  
**KAPOW**  
  
The watermelon exploded into hundreds of tiny pieces. Robin dropped  
to the ground in disbelief. "He…he shot at me! The farmer dude shot  
at me!"  
  
"NO!" Wally cried out in agony as he reached toward the broken  
melon. "He killed the watermelon!"  
  
"He was shooting at me!" Robin said incredulously to his friends.  
  
"Don'tcha get shot at every night?" Roy asked innocently.  
  
"Yeah, but not by farmers I'm trying to apologize to!" The Boy  
Wonder took a deep breath to clear his head. "We've got to get out  
of here."  
  
"We can crawl out by following this ditch and go out to that  
pasture," Roy suggested.  
  
Robin nodded and reached out to shake Wally. "Come on, Wally.  
There's nothing we can do for her now. Let's count our losses and  
get out of here."  
  
Tearfully, Wally followed his retreating teammates. "My sweet  
watermelon…"  
  
The three boys reached the edge of the watermelon patch and crawled  
under the fence into the pasture. Still in range of the farmer's  
rifle, they continued to crawl on the ground looking for cover.  
Robin had taken the lead and thought he saw some bushes ahead, so he  
scrambled on. But then he placed his gloved hand in something warm,  
sticky, and smelly…  
  
"Cow poop! Oh that's just gross!" Robin growled.  
  
"Oh man, that's awful!" Roy pinched his nose closed with his fingers.  
  
Frowning, Robin slowly pulled off the offending glove and held it out  
at arm's length. "Alfred is gonna be ticked," he stated knowingly.  
That's when the Boy Wonder noticed that Wally was missing. "Hey,  
where did Flash junior go?"  
  
Roy shrugged, "I don't know…he's probably gone and got a pizza or  
something. He said he was really hungry."  
  
About that time, Robin and Roy heard the farmer yelling again and  
then another shot rang out. Almost simultaneously, Wally appeared  
before them holding a huge watermelon. "Hey! Let's get out of  
here!" the young speedster cried out.  
  
Before Robin or Roy could react, the nearby bushes started to move  
and…moo? Soon the ground began to shake and the boys found  
themselves in the path of very frightened and angry cattle.  
  
"STAMPEDE!" Roy hollered. "Robin, beam us up!"  
  
Robin fumbled in his utility belt, searching for the handheld  
teleporter. By the time he had it out, the herd was bearing down on  
them. Blindly, he punched in the memorized code for the Watchtower.  
  
***********  
  
"You teleported a herd of cows to the Watchtower?" Ollie's voice  
cracked with amusement.  
  
"Don't look at me! It was the Boy Blunder who was operating the  
teleporter," Roy pointed out.  
  
"It was dark…I couldn't see well…" Robin defended quietly.  
  
"Where are the cows now?" Flash asked, with a hint of a smile.  
  
"We sent `em all home, of course," Wally answered with a bit of  
pride. "End of story."  
  
"No." Everyone turned to look at Batman, who had silently listened  
to the account. The Dark Knight's mouth was set in a hard line.  
  
"Oh come on, Bats," Ollie exclaimed. "Lighten up! The boys were  
just having a little fun."  
  
"They stole someone's property."  
  
Slowly, all the adult heroes nodded in agreement. The boys had shown  
poor judgment and broken a few laws.  
  
"Does this mean extra work?" Robin questioned with a wince.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Crap!"  
  
Batman grinned savagely down at the teenage superheroes. "You said  
it."  
  
"I'm afraid to ask what that means," Wally whispered to Robin.  
  
"It means that I know this elderly couple, who own a farm out in  
Kansas…" Batman gave a slight nod toward Superman. "I'm sure the  
Kent's would love to have some help shoveling manure. Especially if  
the young men are experienced with manure shoveling techniques, which  
you will be after cleaning up the Watchtower."  
  
Robin gulped and mumbled breathlessly, "Crap a freakin' cow."  
  
"I promise never to eat another watermelon as long as I live! Just  
don't make me shovel cow poop on a farm, Uncle Barry! Please!"  
Wally fell to his knees in front of his uncle in dramatic fashion.  
  
Barry Allen stared down at his young partner for a few  
seconds. "Wally, we are definitely lowering your sugar intake. Get  
up and behave yourself."  
  
Standing defiantly, Roy shook his head. "I'm not shoveling diddley-  
squat. You can just forget it."  
  
Batman casually cracked his knuckles and stated as a matter of  
fact, "I suppose another punishment could be arranged…"  
  
Roy suddenly squeaked, "I don't guess farm work is all that  
terrible. Hey, it might even be fun."  
  
***********  
  
Hours later after laboring hard to clean up the Watchtower, Batman  
and Robin stepped into the teleporter and punched in the sequence to  
the Batcave. Both heroes were so tired that all they could think  
about were the nice cozy beds that awaited them. However, they were  
greeted by a very different reality when they materialized in the  
cave. Alfred stood in the middle of the dark cavern, surrounded by a  
small herd of cattle and the vicious odor of cow poop.  
  
"Master Bruce, I do not want to be difficult. But I must draw the  
line somewhere, sir…and I believe playing the role of a cowboy is  
beyond my abilities."  
  
Dumbfounded, Bruce removed his cowl and stared at the scene before  
him. "Dick, explain," he muttered hoarsely.  
  
Dick could not believe his eyes. His mind refused to register any  
explanation. There was only one phrase he could muster out of his  
mouth. "Holy crap!"  
  
The End. :0)


End file.
